Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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