Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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