the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
