Just cropdusted the office
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
