the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize
