hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
