So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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