literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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