Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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