you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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