why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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