so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
