my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
