well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
