i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
