i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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