my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
