Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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