There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
