hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
