Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
