I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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