"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
