If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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