allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Your mouth is God's brothel.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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