Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
