The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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