I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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