I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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