There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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