My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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