if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
