I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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