He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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