Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
