I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
