He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
