fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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