please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
