BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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