walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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