I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
