i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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