So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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