please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
