My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
