Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
