Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
