Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
