if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
