How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
