Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
