The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
